Fervent Fighting as Sibling Rivalry Reaches Fever Pitch

Dear little Darlings, especially Max and Clara, (Although Zoë, you've been implicating all 32 inches of your vertical leverage into the situation lately as well!)

Sibling rivalry has reached fever pitch and mommy is on the verge of a psychotic break. It's only 9:52 A.M. right now and I've already exhausted all of my politically correct coping mechanisms, which means that it's time for Mommy Juice only it's really not TIME for mommy juice for another 428 minutes.
I've read "Siblings Without Rivalry", enthusiastically employed their recommendations, and have enjoyed negligible success. Apparently in their research they failed to study families of the order of Willful Uprights. People who would walk the face of the earth in shackles to make a point. My people. I suspect their studies included passive parents, docile children or those lucky families enveloped in the love fog of Attachment Parenting. Sure these families exist. I know them and their parents aren't along side me sweating it at Borders Bookstore when I'm desperately combing the bookshelves for a solution other than DNA replacement therapy.
Even shopping for toys has become a problem. I find myself evaluating whether or not the products face value will be lowered if its pulled apart into three pieces and really now that doesn't leave us with many options other than those tasty pre-segmented tootsie rolls but they don't sell those at Whole Foods Market so we are really up a creek.
If I'm really trying to maintain my position of "Up with Toddlers and Preschoolers" I can say that as you've gone deeper into the trenches of combat, I've gone deeper into the trenches of housecleaning. I guess I turn to cleaning when I can't CONTROL MY CHILDREN because I can CONTROL THE ANT POPULATION by shining my sink with Windex, which smells good, and then all of a sudden I'm confronted with an Inhalant Addiction. Soon I'll be hiding out in the back of the mini van during naptime huffing Windex and then they'll be coming to take me away to a place where I won't have to do our laundry anymore. A place where they dole out soothing narcotics and mommy might not want to come back even after they deem me fit to return to "society". Getting me out of your way may actually be your plan, but I highly doubt that my replacement will be any better! Sure she might feed you a steady stream of candy and bug juice, but soon you'll have ADHD and will be spending your Saturday mornings in the dentists' chair and where's the fun in that?
Clara, I ask you: Who else is going to share your LOVE of Hello Kitty? A love that I have pruned and nurtured over the past 3.45 years like a beloved rose?
Zoë, who on this fine Earth is going to know what you're talking about when you communicate in Zoë speak? And really you only afford a 1-minute interpretation window before you pour yourself all over the floor in despair. "opsickle, opsickle!". Finally, my Max, who's going to sit and listen to your grand plans to launch a COUP D'ETAT against Pable, Uniqua, Austin, Tasha and Tyrone of the BackYardigans with your Lego weaponry? What I really want to say back to you is "Talk is Cheap; their Theme Song is weak; Let's take action!"
But it's really not too late to nip this fighting in the bud. You're going to need each other to corroborate stories in your teens and your going to need me to assist in paying for your College Educations or Psychiatric Counseling, whichever the case may be.
Stop the madness.
Just get along.

SURGEON GENERALS WARNING: MOTHERS LIVING IN ENVIRONMENTS WHERE EXCESSIVE SIBLING RIVALRY EXHISTS ARE AT HIGH RISK FOR INHALANT ADDICTIONS AND ADMITTANCE TO FACILITIES THAT DISPENSE SOOTHING NARCOTICS.