Dear babies, toddlers and Preschoolers under my care

Dear babies and toddlers who are under my immediate care,
So that you are not dissapointed with my performance as mother, I feel we need a clear understanding as to what I will and won't do for you in this relationship:

I will:
- love you unconditionally 4-eva
- love your daddy conditionally 4-eva. Even if he ignores yard debris in full view, he's brilliant and has a great wit, so we'll make it.
- provide you with at least 30 minutes of clean fresh air even in the most inclement of weather, so long as you don't torture me with screams of protest the entire time. (Note that it takes me nearly 90 minutes to get the three of you outfited in appropriate outerwear.) In spring/summer and fall I will increase this time to 2 hours.
- provide you with the opportunity to eat 3 fruits and 3 vegetables a day. Clara, there are only so many foods that are beige in color, so while that is the only color you care to ingest, I can only do my best unless we employ some fancy produce engineers to create variants which we can't afford so forget it.
- change diapers for 4 years, pullups to age 7
- afford you the opportunity to take a 2 hour nap daily
- Provide you with the opportunity to learn about community service, recycling, beach cleanups and other things I consider "good"
- do my best to ALWAYS be enthusiastic about your endeavors and provide you with opportunities to find your joy
Lastly I will always share with you the magic I've found in this world

I will NOT
- Take you to see the Wiggles Live in Concert. Im sorry, I just can't.
- Resort to corporeal punishment.
- Allow you to use the word "hate"
- Speak to you during a time out, unless its to tell you that you have one minute left.
- make idle threats
- Endure more than 60 minutes of unrelenting unreasonable unfounded behavior. At the 60 minute mark I will (without the aid of narcotics) slip into another more pleasant dimension. However if my skin becomes cold, clammy, and/or pale or blue in color you might want to dial 9-1-1.
- Take leave of you for more than 3 weekends a year.
- drink "mommy juice" before 3:59 pm at which time I can only promise that my blood alcohol level will not exceed .05% when you are in my care. At .05% I will simply be in a more relaxed state, that will benefit you, where I will feel a release of tension. However, if you notice that my movements and speech are clumsy, I'm at .10% and its time to call Daddy

Yours until the end of time,
Mamma